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So,what would Junior PM look like?

Hello and welcome to Junior PM, the show where you, the people, choose the leaders of tomorrow and learn to love Gordon Brown. Premium phone lines are open so you can start losing your money even before we introduce tonight’s contestants.

First up, all the way from bonnie Scotland is our couthy chum, Alex “Wee Eck” Salmond. Not so wee nowadays, eh Eck? Too many haggises. ha ha. What makes you want to be Junior PM.

“Well, having personally liberated Scotland from the yoke of English rule and provided a focus of leadership for the entire free world, I modestly believe I can make anyone, even Gordon Brown dance to my jig”.

Well, let’s see if any of our wannabes can match that fancy footwork. Nick Clegg was relatively unknown until he became leader of the Liberal Democrats in December, since when he has lapsed into total obscurity. What can you deliver, Nick?

“Well, as a five times a night kind of a guy, I think that I can show that I really have the equipment, in every sense of the word, to make in today’s thrusting political market place. Just give me the chance and I will guarantee satisfaction on the night.”

Er, yes Nick. Don’t call us. Next up: Labour’s David Milliband – the Demented Millipede to his mates – ha ha just alaugh. What could you bring to the job?

“Speaking entirely for myself, I believe that unique among the candidates here gathered, I posses the very real, and very deep, and very profound values, Labour values, which makes me the only man for the job when Gordon pegs it. Also, there’s no one else.”

Final contestant is sleek Etonian Dave Cameron, an international used car salesman. Do you have what it takes to be Gordon Brown’s apprentice?

“Look, I’m not interested in apprenticeships, I am interested in selling. Selling myself. I live to sell and sell to live There is nothing I cannot sell, even a bankrupt Conservative party. Let me prove myself as project leader, I promise you won’t regret it.”

Right we’ve heard from the hopefuls; let’s hear from our judge, Gordon Brown, Britain’s most belligerent boss. From humble beginnings in Fife, Scotland, Gordon Brown has built up a political empire which has lasted for nearly eleven years. He has an explosive temper and can blow up at any minute.

“There’s eh no one like me. Uh. I’m er unique. And this is the job interview from hell. Uh. I’m the only person who can make this economy work. Uh I’ve brought back inflation, rocketing food prices, economic stagnation, petrol at 112p a litre and rising energy costs. With a record like this, what can I say except Gordon – Uh – I’m fired.”

About @iainmacwhirter

I'm a columnist for the Herald. Author of "Road to Referendum" and "Disunited Kingdom". Was a BBC TV and radio presenter for 25 years - "Westminster Live" and "Holyrood Live" mainly. Spent time as columnist for The Observer, Guardian, New Statesman. Former Rector of Edinburgh University. Live in Edinburgh and spend a lot of time in the French Pyrenees. Will that do?


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