There had been forecasts of a big bang, a black hole, even the end of life as we know it. Yes, the world waited on tenterhooks last week as they switched on the LHC – Labour’s Leadership Has-been Collector. But all that happened was that particles of inert matter called “candidates” were propelled around Scotland very, very fast avoiding any collision with reality.
Suspended entirely by public disbelief, the tiny particles, called Jamesons, Greyons and Kerrks, have been able to defy gravity for unprecedented lengths of time, as they whizz round and round, but have so far failed to answer any of the fundamental questions about the Labour universe – where it came from, what it means and where it is going. Some critics are already saying the LHC been a waste of time and money. But others believe that the benefits could be immense once we find out what is inside the tiny particles.
Now that the LHC has made its trial run, attempts will be made to focus Labour’s proton stream directly on a collection of exotic SNP particles called Sturguons and Salmuons. When these entities collide, in the purpose-built Holyrood cloud chamber, huge amounts of hot air is likely to be expended as LHC does its atom-smashing work, perhaps revealing entirely new dimesnsions to the political universe. Some observers are hoping that this might see the emergence of the mysterious “God particle” called the Numpty Boson, which will explain why Labour has been lacking energy for so long.
It is thought that visible matter represent only 5% of the known Labour Party and that the rest is so-called Dark Matter – clustered around local authorities and Westminster. This Dark Matter is almost completely inert, incapable of movement or brilliance, and yet makes up the vast quantity of the Labour universe. If the Leadership Hasbeen Collector is able to cause enough friction, it’s believed that at least some of the Dark Matter might come to life, however fleetingly, to illuminate fundamental questions about the nature of matter.
However, there have also been fears that this disturbance of dark matter could open up a mini black hole at the centre of Scottish politics. New Labour particles could collapse under their own weight and be swallowed up never to be seen again. But we can all be confident, now that the LHC is switched on, that there will be no big bang, not even a whimper, and that whatever happens life outside will go on just as before. Andrew Marr is 14.