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Strictly One Chancer

Supporters of the star of “Strictly One Chancer”, Alex Salmond, are urging him to resist pressure to leave the Holyrood show following his recent poor performance. Judges are insisting that “Lecky” as he has come to be known by his many adoring fans, is not fit to remain in the contest and is becoming and embarrassment.

“Salmond just isn’t up to it”, said judge Jim Murphy. ‘He has tripped up over any number of issues, like local income tax and the futures trust”, “it’s time for Salmond to take a jump for the sake of the programme and make way for someone who doesn’t have two left feet ”

However, Holyrood commentators fear there could be a popular outcry if the Strictly star were driven out by judges just because he is useless. “Alex is just what the doctor ordered”, said a voter who didn’t want to be named. “His humour and his willingness to take the knocks show that he is just the man for these difficult times. I can’t stop laughing whenever he comes on stage! Go on yersel’ Lecky!”

Since he entered the Holyrood show in 2007, Salmond has wowed audiences with his fancy footwork and his often hilarious quips and asides, such as promising to save Scotland’s bankrupt banks at the cost of hundreds of billions of pounds. His popularity soared week after week. But the Strictly contender fell on his face trying to do the notoriously difficult “arc of prosperity” dance with his Icelandic partner who had to retire. When he attempted the Glenrothes reel single-handed, even some of his greatest fans thought the time had come for Salmond to hang up his dancing shoes. “Salmond got the choreography wrong. He has angered some of the other contenders who think they should be where he is now. No one likes a person who tries to hog the limelight”.

However, it is Salmond’s continuing popularity that has angered the Westminster judging panel. They fear that if he is allowed to remain in the limelight Salmond might be even win the contest when the people are asked to deliver their final verdict in a referendum in 2010. “That would be a catastrophe”, said another prominent Westminster judge. “Just because a lot of the public like him is no reason why he should be allowed to win. He should do the decent thing.”

As for Salmond, he says he’ll pick himself up, dust himself off and start all over again. “It’s the punters who call the shots in this game and, as they say in showbiz: while the band still plays, you just gotta dance”.

About @iainmacwhirter

I'm a columnist for the Herald. Author of "Road to Referendum" and "Disunited Kingdom". Was a BBC TV and radio presenter for 25 years - "Westminster Live" and "Holyrood Live" mainly. Spent time as columnist for The Observer, Guardian, New Statesman. Former Rector of Edinburgh University. Live in Edinburgh and spend a lot of time in the French Pyrenees. Will that do?


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